My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
