It's Friday. Sex?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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