I just threw up on my dentist
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
