i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself