All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
