he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!