I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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