I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
