I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
