you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
