just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
