Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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