When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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