and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
