I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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