there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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