Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
