Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
