I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
