The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
