dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
