The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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