I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
