just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
BRING THE BAGELS
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
