I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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