Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
