when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
