PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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