dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
