How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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