Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
