community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
