he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
