My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
They are going to name an STD after you.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
