he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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