please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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