her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
