I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
he's gonorrhea incarnate
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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