Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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