Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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