We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
