im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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