A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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