Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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