Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
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Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
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We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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