I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
