remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
