You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
