So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
