Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
what is it with giant penises always finding me
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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