Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
