I wish I could teleport
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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