Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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