ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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