Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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