I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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