I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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