So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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