update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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