I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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