She's JV to your varsity
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
