Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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