Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
